Category: Black & Poly

In Polyamory No One Lies

download (11)Polyamorists Cannot Tell a Lie

Everyone wants to know the truth. We’ve all complained about someone having lied to us.  Some of us have even thought seriously about giving up dating altogether just to avoid liars.Then someone tells us about polyamory. We hear that Polyamorous people tell the truth, only act in agreements, and even though they might have multiple partners, its consensual and no one cheats.We think, if we have poly partners who agree to be honest, we wont have to worry about lies.

Well, What is a lie?

A lie is a statement, or action, that is intended to deceive. We lie when we intentionally seek to deceive by making what we know to be false, or misleading, statements.  When our actions convey one thing, but our mouths say another, we are lying.  Hiding and withholding information intentionally is also an act of deception.images (66)

An incomplete list of reasons some people lie;

  • Manipulative Gain – We hope that by hiding the truth, we will gain the upper-hand, an opportunity, or an experience.
  • Fear of loss – We often fear that if we tell the truth we will lose some opportunity, or situation
  • Fear of Punishment – Sometimes, we expect to be punished for having done the thing we did, or even wanting to do the thing we want to do.
  • Compulsive Lying – Some people cannot stop themselves from making things up, or withholding pieces of information.
  • Fear of Judgment – Shame and guilt often causes us to hide what we think. Embarrassment often forces us into silence.
  • Omission – We tell ourselves that since no one asked us, or we didn’t actually agree to a certain wording, we technically haven’t lied.
  • Attention seeking – Some people lie simply because it makes others pay attention to them.  The bigger the lie, the more attention they get.
  • People Pleasing – We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, so we say nice things, or try to protect others from the knowledge of what we did.  We want to be liked; so going along with others might seem like the best thing to do.

download (10)Honesty is a major aspect of polyamory

Ethical non-monogamy encourages honest communication between consenting adults. At the practice level, we bring who we are and where we currently are in our lives.  If we have a habit of dishonesty, we will not suddenly become unadulterated truth tellers.  It is a process of growth. Allowing room for mistakes enables us to grow to a place where honest communication is second nature.  Trusting our partners to do the best they can do, trusting ourselves to recognize sincerity and commitment to one another, and being willing to challenge one another to grow, are necessary tools to encouraging honest communication.

People lie all the time

Even with our best efforts, there are people who are going to come into our lives who don’t have the tools to be the people we would like them to be, even if they want to be.  The poly community is no more, or less, perfect than the monogamous community. Theoretically, ethical polyamory has at its core principles of honesty and communication, but that doesn’t always translate to practice in individuals. The truth is…A POLY PERSON CAN LIE JUST AS EASILY AS ANYONE ELSE.

You can’t cheat an honest person

An honest person isn’t trying to manipulate, steal, or deceive anyone.  When something doesn’t feel, or seem, right, an honest person will admit it.  If they continue to be involved, they admit they are willing, and responsible, participants.

Finding truth in our relationshipsimages (28)

Polyamory can be everything we imagine it to be, but it is dependent on the consensual nature of everyone involved.  To consent, things have to be out in the open or it breeds’ unspoken expectations.If we are shortsighted, we can lie, but there is so much more to people, and life.  If what we want is a profoundly deep connection, honesty is the best way to find it.There is no lying in polyamory…at least, not the ideal of polyamory.  Whatever consensual adults are looking for, it can work with honest communication.  Lying reduces the quality of our relationships by distorting the reality of what we really want.

Cmo <3