Stop Sharing Partners!

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As the second eldest of eight children, I learned at an early age the importance of sharing. After a certain amount of children, we became a unit, a flock, a group, and were treated as such.

That’s not to say our individuality was lost, but it can be quite expensive gifting and even treating a large family. Enter: group gifts. These were generalized items that we could either enjoy collectively, or pass around individually. Share.

This became second nature after some squabbles, and eventually sharing became something we wanted, and volunteered to do. But every so often we would receive a personalized gift, one in which we did not have to share as a default, but with permission.

I had several possessions which I passed along happily, keeping a watchful eye on my younger siblings as they tend to destroy all they came in contact with. But my prize possession was MINE. No human dare ask to borrow it, lest they be subjected to a fury hell hath not endured. My coveted possession was cherished and loved to destruction or loss by my own hands.

Unlike that toy or gift, my lovers aren’t mine to possess (unless we’re talking kink.) They aren’t my toys to lend out. They don’t belong to me to share. In all actuality they are sharing of themselves with me. They are free thinking, free loving, individuals, who can make their own decisions, do what they please with their bodies and love, including sharing it with others. It’s their possession, not mine. Respectfully, my body, time and love is my possession to share with whom I desire, without ‘permission’ from anyone.

This concept is what allows me to appreciate them more, not taking for granted that we will be together. I no longer feel entitled to or believe in forever, but am appreciative for every beautiful moment spent together, that we share with each other.

Polyamory is about consent, yes, but what we are consenting to is the non monogamy, not how that looks. All too often when meeting new loves we are bumping into more restrictions imposed by other parties than liberties. And isn’t liberated love essentially what Polyamory about?
Are your relationships prisons and boot camps masquerading as a good time? Trying to control every aspect of your love’s lives is like monitoring your younger siblings in hopes they don’t break what’s ‘yours’. Expecting new partners to thank you for sharing what isn’t essentially yours to share, is quite possessive and in fact screams “Monogamy conditioning!” More so than Polyamory.

This may be one of the reasons so many of those who transition or are even considered vets may have a hard time! Self work= Self worth. It begins with understanding the value of self and how we would like to be loved unrestricted like children.

When we stop looking at ourselves and our lovers through the eyes of a toy mongering 3 year old, and truly understand that they belong to themselves, and we, ourselves, we may be able to loosen the reigns a little and enjoy life and loves just a bit more.

Tell Us!

Confession time! Tell us one of your poly mistakes. 

Here's one of mine: I dated a poly person who's primary partner said she was never jealous. I believed everything he told me she felt, until one day she decided to veto me. Now I always offer to talk to metamours myself!

Comment yours below! (Note that Facebook comments are public.)

The S Word

“You’re just a slut.”

That’s the response I get when I describe my style of polyamory to people. I am not married and I don’t have any live-in partners. One of the reasons I have relationships is to have sex. I have both casual sex and sex in the context of committed relationships. In monogamous eyes, that makes me a slut.

The monogamous view of relationships is that people who love each must move up the relationship escalator, slowly (or quickly, depending on hormones) progressing from casual dating, to living together, to married and parenting. But consider that while people get married for many reasons, the reason they get divorced is often infidelity. Why do people cheat? Because they lack companionship, emotional support, or--most likely--sex. Adults have needs, and they form relationships to satisfy them. Polyamory is a way to get needs met without asking one partner to fulfill all of them.

I do solo polyamory, which means I seek relationships with people without connection to any other relationship. I look for a partner who can meet one or more of my needs for companionship, fun activities, emotional support, and sex. Once we decide we’re compatible, we make agreements and see each other when we can. As the parent of a special needs child, that “when we can” varies from weeks to months. My partners are young and old, married and unmarried, straight and queer. They all consent to the relationship and know as much about each other as they want.

A long time ago I dated a man who was cheating on his wife. Our rendezvous were exciting--we met in parking lots and out of town restaurants. I enjoyed spending time with him, but every time we went home, I knew he was lying to his family. What would his wife think when she found out, if not about me, about some other woman who was younger, more interesting, more beautiful, or sexier? Some couples survive infidelity, but on the way to a lifetime of mistrust is heartache, drama, and loss of friends. Being the cause of that pain was not for me. I no longer date people who are not open and consenting. I find plenty of partners who are willing to have difficult conversations about their needs and wants, and are happy even when they can’t meet some needs for a partner. My poly is about loving people, and what better expression of love is there than sex?

That’s why I’m a slut.

Do you have an experience to share about the polyamorous lovestyle? Tell us!

Best Possible Outcomes

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Best Possible Outcomes

So, my girlfriend Leslie has been watching Seinfeld. She didn’t watch it while it was new or in syndication but she was aware of the hype. Now that the hype has settled down, she’s going through the entire series on Hulu. Recently, we were hanging out, watching TV mid-afterglow (as you do), and one of the more notable episodes appeared. Season 7. Episode 11. The Rye.

Although the series finale really soured me towards the show, I watched the hell out of it before it wrapped up. So I’m well aware of what the episode is about…or at least the dominant draw of the resulting conversations. George’s extremely particular parents, Kramer’s flatulent horse, and Jerry mugging an old lady in the street for a loaf of bread. Hilarious. But watching with fresh and polyamorous eyes, what struck me was Elaine’s interaction with a jazzman named John.

It’s not uncommon to find an episode where some guy is flirting with Elaine or vice versa. It happens. No big deal. But between measuring out her approach speed and her reservations about John’s apparent reluctance to perform oral sex, it’s clear that Elaine is into this guy. That’s when it struck me. If this works out perfectly for Elaine…if he’s receptive to her…if he starts going down on a regular basis…if he impresses her with his skill as a musician…this will be the last man she ever fucks.

Well, at least, that’s how the thought came out at the time. To break it down, I’m talking about the Relationship Escalator. Popularized by writer/blogger Aggie Sez, it’s the concept that our mononormative society promotes a one-track standard for relationship progress. Meet, date exclusively, move in together, get married, have kids, and die. And that’s a conclusion that both Elaine and John are most likely all good with. In fact, as a standard operating procedure, this is their best possible outcome.

There’s nothing wrong with monogamy or the relationship escalator. My only real issue is with the expectation…the presumption…the lack of intentionality. None of the characters in Seinfeld are really suited for the strict monogamy they often appear to seek. As far as I remember, it’s never even a topic of discussion. Not on that show or almost any other popular show. But who cares? They’re just flashing lights on the boob tube.

The problem is that many of us do that with our lives. We don’t examine our needs, our proclivities, or our options. We use monogamy and the escalator as a default setting whether it fits us or not. In any other aspect of our lives, this would be absurd. Imagine if someone ate the best meal they’ve ever had and then resolved to eat only that meal for the rest of forever.

Of course, that’s the story of Don Gorske. Since 1971, Gorske has eaten McDonald’s Big Macs almost exclusively. Every few years, articles are written about what milestone he’s passed. At his current pace, we can expect a few new articles in 2018 when he hits 30,000 sandwiches eaten. Gorske, though, is regarded as an oddity. Someone who has given up on a world of culinary delights in favor of a singular experience repeated until death. But that’s a choice that he’s made for himself. In that, he’s an exception. Society isn’t aligned to make the Don Gorskes of the world the rule…which is precisely what we’re expected to do with our relationships.

Not only are we expected to run with it, we’ve also established a cultural pattern of complaining about it.

Keep your eyes and ears open long enough and you’ll run into images of men at bachelor parties wearing shirts that read “Game Over”. You’ll hear exasperated coworkers complaining about the spouse who they regard as a ball and chain. You’ll encounter sex workers who talk about long time clients who love their partners but need more than a single person can provide. One of TVs longest running sitcoms, Married…with Children, was pretty much a descent into the hostile union of two people who didn’t really want and never negotiated the exclusivity they both felt burdened with. But we’re all expected to relate to their struggle and laugh…and we did…for 11 problematic seasons.

So, as a society, we recognize that lifelong monogamy can be a difficult and stifling proposition. Which is fine, if you want it. But to go along with it quietly? What’s that about? If we’re going to continually offer up our romantic freedom… If we’re going to saddle a single person with the unreasonable expectation of being our everything… If we’re going to repeatedly tease the prospect of giving up the remainder of our new relational experiences to a singular point of input…isn’t some examination called for? A conversation? Some dialogue about what it all really means? Can we at least approach something this life-defining with the same amount of consideration as our next major appliance purchase?

Don’t we owe it to ourselves to at least entertain our options? Maybe you land on polyamory or maybe you decide that complete exclusivity works best for your life. Or maybe you discover a wide range of happy mediums that make more sense in the face of societal structures you’re not entirely comfortable with. Whatever it is and whatever you choose, shouldn’t our best possible outcomes be one that we took the initiative to decide for ourselves?

A Little Sugar in My Bowl

Ruby Bouie Johnson gathers wisdom from sexologists and sex therapists.

“I want a little sugar In my bowl I want a little sweetness Down in my soul I could stand some lovin’ Oh so bad Feel so lonely and I feel so sad”

Nina Simone

There is an ache and ravenousness in music that expresses an emotional hunger. The insatiable music of Nina Simone’s song “A little sugar in my bowl” suggests unrequited sexual need and desire. The yearning expressed in the lyric, “Feel so lonely and I feel so sad,” summarizes the uneasiness from a person experiencing the unmet need for desire. This unease can keep someone awake at night tossing and turning seeking solution and understanding. I say this because of the emails I receive at 1 a.m., 2 a.m., and 3 a.m.

As sex therapist, it is not uncommon to receive emails seeking answers to “where has the desire, passion, and intimacy gone?” The person speaks and writes with exasperation about the frustration, confusion, and longing for connection and affirmation from their partners. Unfortunately, those expressed desires for affection are met with aloofness, dismissiveness, and unresponsiveness. When the harmony within the relationship is disrupted, disenchantment, disengagement, and avoidance follows. At this point, partners seek help for their relationship.

Your partner’s response to your desire matters

James Wadley PhD, LPC-S, sex therapist and relationship expert in Philadelphia, defines desire as, “… simply the need or want of something.” He continues, “Desire does not infer that an action will take place to satisfy a want or need.” The perceived lack of action or lack of response to a partner’s expressed need may evoke a lack of confidence within the relationship – this deters intimacy. Therapists, sexologists, and clinicians continuously search for effective methods and techniques to empower their clients to promote enhanced intimacy. Those professionals in the sexuality field recognize a partner’s response to the expressed desire for validation, affection, and understanding is essential to build intimacy in the sexual health of a relationship. Responsive partners are communicating a level of understanding and intimate connection that demonstrates an ability to meet the needs of the relationship.

Harmonious Relationships

This reasoning aligns with the field’s contention that passion is fueled by cues of affection and understanding; with the relationship this shows mutually reliable support and promotes the priority each person’s personal needs—one of the major functions of close relationships.

Michael Salas, MS, LPC-S, CSAT, CST, is a certified sex therapist who works daily to help clients build healthy sexuality. Mr. Salas emphasizes that desirability is the responsibility of each person. “Many of us tend to think that the other person that we are with has the responsibility of making us feel a certain way. However, we ignore our own role in the responsibility that we have in opening doors that will help us feel that way.”

Relational harmony is disrupted when the perceived emotional, mental, and verbal cues are not present. Lack of presence for partners may lead to sexual avoidance. Within practice, this an essential exploration and important element to focus on within relationships. The complaint from one partner is that their partner rejects and “never wants sex.” The other partner’s immediate response is “All you want from me is sex.”

“When you are an object to your partner rather than a person, desire is typically low. I desire you as an object rather than a human being.” Mark Bird, PhD, LMFT-S, author of an upcoming book on problematic sexual behavior and connection.

What are some suggestions for creating more desirability in relationships?

Some Ideas?

Michael Salas believes “personal responsibility is key in developing or rejuvenating desire.” Cultural sexual scripts pigeon hold the proactive (initiator) and the reactive (receiver) into roles. The reactive role expects the attentiveness, acknowledgment, and validation from the actions of the proactive role. These unmet expectations are barriers. Once these barriers are exposed, the creative and collaborative process can begin. Christopher Smith, doctoral student in sociology (dissertation covers consensual non-monogamous trends in current and historical context) at Howard University, says, “When I think of desire, it is beyond physical desire. It is a simple as wanting a conversation or an interaction.”

It doesn’t take much. Simple, yet, powerful suggestions:

1. Being present. Conversation and time with a partner is about holding space for intimacy. The challenge comes when the voice inside your head is louder than the voice of the person you are having the conversation with at that moment. Being present moves beyond physically holding space. Intimate space is presence mentally, emotionally, and intellectually. Being present with your partner allows for you to pay attention to your partner.

2. Curiosity. When something is interesting, it grabs one’s attention. Being inquisitive about your partner creates a mutual connection of sharing and giving. People evolve based upon experiences, challenges, successes, and connections. Learn something new about your partner daily. Pay attention to the person you love.

3. Intentional interaction. Intention is the offering of time, commitment, and follow through. Prioritizing your relationship is about making space for its continued growth. Fondness and admiration is shown through the commitment to that growth. Following through with your commitment is intentionality.

4. Vulnerability. Allowing your partner to see the authentic person is a very loving act. The façade is about protecting self from rejection and abandonment. Believe your partner when they say “I care and love you.” Consistency and congruence assists with intimacy.

5. Willingness. Be open to trying things your partner wants, and never judge or shame them for their desires.

Keep the sugar in your bowl.

This post originally appeared on Huffington Post.

New Research on Polyamory in the Black Community

Chris Smith recently published a research paper called Open to Love: Polyamory and the Black American. An active member of Black & Poly, he describes himself as an educator, community builder, father, relationship advocate and passionate about increasing awareness of and support for non-monogamous relationships structures in the United States. Recently he was interviewed in the podcast Poly Weekly.

Help expand knowledge about the Black & Poly community!

-Complete this survey by Howard University.

-Review his anthology's Call for Participants and submit the consent form if you're interested in being included.

-Read his research paper Open to Love.

-Get in touch with Chris Smith by email, Facebook, or Twitter.

A Unicorn by Any Other Name

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A Unicorn by Any Other Name……

“Unicorn.” One of the first terms of the polyamorous lexicon that I encountered upon entering the non-monogamous world. Generally it is used to describe a single bisexual female willing to become sexually and/or romantically involved with a couple that is usually comprised of a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman. You need not be in the polyamorous community long to become aware that it is a hotly contested term with negative connotations. Just try posting in a polyamory group asking who identifies as a unicorn and you’re in for a bumpy ride. You also need not be in the polyamorous community long to become aware that there are many unicorn horror stories, many women who complain of the predatory-like tactics of “unicorn-hunters” (heterosexual couples looking for a bisexual woman to “complete their union”), many who lament the evils of couple-privilege, closed triads, and being a “third”.

I was initially tasked to write some of those stories. Even had a clever little title for my article. “Tales from the Unicorn Stable”. I posted on my page and in several groups asking if anyone who identifies as a unicorn would be willing to share their experience being such with me. I received quite a few responses from those who wished to participate, all of them being women which didn’t surprise me, but I was struck by a thought. Bisexual women aren’t the only ones with “unicorn” stories to tell and the fact that we don’t hear the stories of the other persons in the polyamorous community having “unicorn” experiences is disappointing.

The reality is that lesbian couples seek single lesbian women to form a triad. Gay men seek other single gay men to form triads. Lesbian couples comprised of two bisexual women often seek a single heterosexual man to join their unit as gay couples comprised of two bisexual men seek single heterosexual women to join them. Couples with a heterosexual woman and a bisexual man also seek a single bisexual man to join them. Couples with gender queer/gender non-conforming/gender non-binary persons who seek other single persons who identify as such to form triads with. Basically, if you can think it, it exists. While these instances aren’t as frequent, bisexual women aren’t the only ones subject to the phenomenon of being sought after by eager couples looking to “add to their relationship”.

I mentioned in a comment on one of my posts that I wished I could find a male “unicorn” to interview and a friend of mine who would be categorized by the classic definition of the term expressed what I perceived as a sort of ownership over the word. She replied that interchanging the word to include other persons besides single bisexual women was confusing. I understand her point but how then are these other people who are having these “unicorn-esque” experiences supposed to share their stories when there is no language for them to do so because the definition of unicorn is so narrow? She also expressed not wishing to be objectified by the term while another woman that I spoke to said that she loved being called a unicorn. To her, it has a mythical, magical quality that she enjoys being associated with herself.

Since I don’t technically fall into the original definition of the term, I am a little hesitant to prescribe this but I think the definition of “unicorn” should be expanded to describe the phenomenon of the two seeking the magical one to form the fully connected three. Many women who are categorized as unicorns balk at the term and being objectified as such but if the term were broadened to define a concept and not a specific type of individual, that objectification would lessen because it would include a variety of examples. I also think that the narrowness of the term allows for other types of couples who don’t fall into the classic description of “unicorn-hunters” to believe that they aren’t carrying out problematic behaviors in their search for their “third” because how can they be “unicorn-hunters” if they aren’t looking for a “unicorn”? They may not be looking for a single bisexual woman but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t committing many of the same faux pas that most unicorn-hunting couples commit like treating the new person as an add-on to the existing relationship, making rules and agreements for the new person before they even enter into the relationship, not allowing for the new partner to develop individual relationships with each party in the couple, wielding couple-privilege all over the place, etc.

As this community expands and evolves, so will its language and words. One of the things I love and loathe about language is its ability to adapt and to change. I think it’s time that we examine some of those terms and ask do they fit us anymore. Triads are not all heterosexual male/bisexual female/bisexual female. They come in many varieties and are made up of a multitude of genders and sexualities. And just like there are many different kinds of horses, I think there are many different kinds of “unicorns”. While the experience of a bisexual male in a couple would I’m sure be different from a bisexual woman’s, I’m also confident that they’d find a lot of commonalities in being the person entering into an already established relationship of two.

To quote Shakespeare, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” and I believe a “unicorn” by any other definition, would still be as magical.

Three Questions

Wanting to explore an open relationship with your partner? We have many resources to help you navigate your poly journey, but first, ask yourself some questions. Are you in one of these three situations? (This article assumes you are married or otherwise coupled.)

  1. You’ve been married to your current partner and your relationship is stable but kind of boring. There’s a new person at work who flirts with you, makes you laugh, and makes you wonder...is the grass greener on the other side?
  2. You’ve already crossed the line with someone. You’ve had sex on the sly, and it feels great. You’re worried your partner will discover it, but you’re curious if this is actually a good thing.
  3. Your marriage is at a low point. The fights and stress are not worth it. If you haven’t already starting looking to others to meet your emotional or sexual needs, you’re thinking about it. What if there was a way to reignite the flame between you?

These describe very common situations in monogamous couples. They are also common entry points for couples that get into polyamory. Caution! These exact situations can actually hamper your future happiness with new partners. Let’s look at each situation in detail and how you can resolve them before becoming polyamorous.

1. Do you have someone in mind?

Polyamory offers the opportunity to explore love relationships with multiple people regardless of whether you are married or not. One person can’t meet all of the needs in your life; that’s why you have drinking buddies or or spa friends. In marriages, emotional needs get neglected just as often as our sexual needs. The spark you feel with your new friend points to something missing in your life. Sometimes it’s just the rush of stealing glances like teenagers. Other times it’s the late night phone conversations that help you feel loved. (If you’ve already crossed into emotional infidelity with this person, see quesiton 2.)

If you have identified someone who may be a good potential partner for an open marriage, take a step back. Does your partner know this person? Do they already suspect that your feelings for them may be more than just a friendship? If so, the bonds of trust are already starting to degrade in your marriage. Suggesting an open relationship may only confirm your partner’s fears of being left for the younger, hotter model. Even if your partner doesn’t suspect, your suggestion could start the death spiral of anxious thoughts about the health of your marriage. Have a frank discussion with your partner about what’s missing. What are your needs? What about your partner’s? How are they getting met or being neglected? Enlist the help of a counselor to help you hear each other. Polyamory requires trust and communication, so build those skills now! Don’t move forward until you both feel comfortable.

2. Have you already cheated?

When the outside world thinks of polyamory, they picture sex with multiple people. Even the typical stock photos are of threesomes kissing or in bed. So why not open your marriage to more sexual freedom? Whether you married young or want to explore another side of your sexuality, adventures outside of your marriage sound like a way to have fun and still stay secure in the life you’ve built together.

Infidelity is a serious breach of trust in a marriage. Even if the spouse never finds out, you are lying to a person you promised to commit your life to. Polyamorists make committments too. Cheating is not OK. There is Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell but there is no Down Low. Therefore, before you engage in an open marriage, reveal your infidelity to your spouse. They may be hurt, they may not care, but you are starting the process of communicating your desires and how you want them to be met. Your partner did not consent to your affair, but they will need to consent to any relationships moving forward. Many times the spouse agrees to the open marriage only because they are afraid of divorce. Do your best to give them an honest choice. If they say no you are bound by that decision. Do not continue to hurt them by forcing them into an open marriage when they are unwilling. Once again, a marriage therapist will help you communicate with each other and get past any sticking points.

There are very few circumstances where I would recommend continuing a relationship with the person you cheated with. Your polyamorous relationships should be with people who are ethical. Your spouse will also likely have lingering mistrust about that person’s place in your life. If you want to be in a relationship with that person, do the right thing and get a divorce.

3. Is there some problem in your current relationship?

Marriages go through highs and lows, and sometimes people just stop meshing. Maybe your interests are different, or your schedules are out of sync, or you’re just disconnected. Often mismatched libidos lead people to try swinging or inviting a woman to have a threesome. Whatever problem you have in your relationship, new people and new feelings seems like it could bring back the connection you want with your spouse.

A marriage is between two people, and (besides a therapist) those two people are the only ones who should do the work of fixing your relationship. Polyamorous people want healthy relationships based on communication and openness. If you have unresolved issues in your marriage, you’re missing the boat on one of those. The last thing a poly person wants to do is get involved in a relationship with one spouse, only for the other spouse to demand that it end because “we need to secure our relationship.” Other people, especially bisexual women, are not here to make you feel good about your marriage. Understand your needs and where they are not being met. If both you and your partner agree to pursue an open marriage, start by reading and learning. Your expectations about what a new partner can do are likely wrong. Most couples date separately, and most bisexual women date men as well as women outside of their spouse. You are unlikely to find a woman willing to date both spouses in a serious poly relationship.

I know this post is full of bad news, but transparency is a big part of polyamory. We polyamorists put a lot of work into building relationships that are ethical, respectful, and honest. Your current relationship may need some work of its own, but hopefully that work make your relationship stronger or bring it to a place where it can end peacefully. Either way, you will develop good tools to enter into healthy polyamorous relationships.

Do you have questions about starting a polyamorous relationship? Ask us!

Ask Aunty: Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

aunty

Ask Aunty is a regular feature of Black & Poly where real people ask about their polyamorous relationships. Aunty is here for you, so ask away!

Dear Aunty,

I'm trying to convince my husband to be poly. He doesn't mind if I step out on him, but he doesn't want to have an open relationship where he knows my partners. He's afraid of all the attention I'll be getting. He agreed that I can date as long as he doesn't know, but I feel like I'm lying to people. What do I do?

Date Anyway or Date Truthfully?

Dear DADT,

Your husband wants DADT--don't ask, don't tell. DADT works for some people when they understand why they don't want to know. Your husband is insecure, no doubt, and he wants to pretend he's satisfying you in every way. That's not true and you know it. You have sexual and emotional needs, and you already know one person can't meet all of them.

By asking for DADT, he's consenting to a poly relationship. Consent is the key. Take the deal and keep talking. He really doesn't want to know what private parts were where when, but tell him how happy you are. And always remind him that he's still your boo thang.

He still may get jealous and demand you end all the side relationships. Too late, honey. You will hurt your partners, yourself, and even your relationship with hubby. Aunty has been on the bad side of the veto and you can bet those numbers are blocked.

Keep being honest and open and you’ll show him how poly can make everyone happy.

Aunty

Do you have a question for Aunty? Comment below or use our contact form!

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Ask Aunty: Seeking Bisexual Mate

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Ask Aunty is a regular feature of Black & Poly where real people ask about their polyamorous relationships. Aunty is here for you, so ask away!

Dear Aunty,

How do I find a polyamorous woman to date? I have a wonderful wife and we just agreed to open up our relationship. She's bisexual so I'd be happy to meet a woman to date both of us. But where do I find women?

Seeking Bisexual Mate

Dear SBM,

I'm ​going to ignore half of your question because the last thing you want to do is post in an online forum that you're LOOKING FOR A BISEXUAL FEMALE FOR YOU AND YOUR WIFE. Poly people are tired of hearing from unicorn hunters and you'll get your head snatched off every time you mention it. There are many ways to do poly, and a closed triad is not for newbies!

*Calm down Aunty. Deep breaths.* Finding a new boo is as easy as it was when you found your wife. You mean you didn't find her three months after you joined Match.com? I'm shocked! You probably dated multiple women before you even knew what you wanted. Then you learned to approach your wife like the lady she is--none of that “can I holla atcha?” Polyamorous women are smart as well as sexy, so you have to be more than a smooth talker. Know your needs and wants. Know what makes you a great catch, and know what type of agreements you would have between you two. (She's probably not going to agree to only date you and your wife. Too many horror stories, Aunty can tell you.)

Always be honest about your situation. Monogamous women don't understand that you’re not looking for a side chick. Even if you have to explain "polyamorous" a million times, you want her to know exactly what she’s getting in to. If you just want the occasional threesome, let her know. If you want someone to move in and help take care of your kids, make that clear too. That's why polys love the c-word--communication.

Remember, a polyamorous woman doesn't want to be the topper on your wedding cake. She wants fulfilling relationships with individuals, not the perfect couple from Monogamy Land. Accept that the women you will find may already be dating other partners with their own commitments and agreements. She may not be interested in your wife at all. That doesn't mean you two can't have a healthy relationship. You just have to change your image of the ideal poly woman, especially if you're imagining a bisexual sex goddess. (That's why they're called unicorns, honey. They don't exist.)

So how do you find a woman? Go to online dating sites. Visit your local poly community. Talk to other polyamorous people. Find a woman you like spending time with and see where things go. If she hits it off with wifey, that's great. If she doesn't want to move in to your future poly household, that's fine too. Let go of expectations and enjoy the journey.

Or else.

Aunty

Do you have a question for Aunty? Comment below or use our contact form!