Finding Partners

A common question for those beginning a polyamorous relationship is: Where do I find partners? The answer is amazingly simple, but this post will break down the various ways you can find a new partner.

In Person

Just as if you were in a monogamous marriage, people find their partners at the places they go frequently. People old and young enjoy going out to bars and restaurants, sporting events, concerts, or Meetups. For the more introverted types, there are game nights, books club, and discussion groups. Since monogamy is the default for most of the world, the people you are attracted to may not be familiar with polyamory. However, if you tell them you are polyamorous from the beginning (no later than the first date), you have a chance to start an honest conversation about your needs and desires.

Black & Poly has several local Meetups across the US. You can also search Meetup or Facebook for local polyamory groups. Polyamory groups often have a white, heterosexual majority, but showing up and representing your identity will go towards creating an inclusive environment.

Online

More and more relationships are started online. Black & Poly itself has an active Facebook group, though its goal is not to help people find partners. Interacting in online forums helps you find people who have similar interests. It's likely that you'll be attracted to some of those people, which can lead to a relationship. Just be conscious of the group's guidelines about messaging members and posting "seeking" posts.

Dating sites are also becoming more open to the idea of polyamorous relationships. OK Cupid is highly recommended in the poly community for its ability to mark yourself as polyamorous or in an open relationship. You can even use the filtering option to show only people open to polyamory. Google is your friend when searching for other dating sites. Just be aware of the differences between polyamory, open relationships, and swinging. You should clear on what type of relationship you are looking for when approaching people online. While many polyamorous people enjoy sexual relationships, it's rude to assume that's what they are seeking based on their identity as polyamorous.

Final Thoughts

Polyamorous veterans often find new connections occurring naturally as they live life. If you are new to poly, spend lots of time understanding yourself and your wants and needs before rushing into a relationship. If you are a couple, examine your own relationship and your reasons for opening the relationship. If you are single, be wary of looking for a couple as your ideal. If you are already in a relationship, your current partners must be aware of your desire to be poly and intention to date others. Keeping anyone in the dark is considered cheating, even in the poly world. (Don't Ask Don't Tell is one exception.)

Learn as much as you can about polyamory, and enjoy your journey!

Do you have questions about starting a polyamorous relationship? Ask us!

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