Left Out

Kiikii Santana shares her story of being in a polyamorous relationship. Originally posted in the Black and Poly Facebook group.

A bit over 2 years ago, I started dating someone who introduced me to poly. That dynamic became very toxic: I would question his intentions with me, she would manipulate both him and I separately, he was in the middle feeling like nothing he did or said was good enough. Some time last year they broke up, she and I stopped communicating, and we (he and I) still remained close. We have had miscommunications this year about a few things which has made our connection weaker than it’s ever been.

Anyways, this year came and he’s been working hard on himself. He’s becoming a better version of himself – smiling more, learning more and more about himself each day, and I’m extremely happy for him. Our relationship is still stagnant, but now instead of it being his ex, it’s his work schedule that has gotten in our way. He works two jobs and barely sleeps or eats, which is taking a toll on him, but he enjoys it in a way. He and I both know that there are some things we need to work on in order to reconnect.

That is the short version of how things have been between us.

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When I came in the picture, he told me about his twin – a person he met online who is the female version of Him: same birthday, almost identical life story, etc. They mirror one another perfectly.

I’ve always been fascinated by them because of how identical they are, and I have always spoke to him about how they should finally meet and see how things go. He’d brush it off, thinking it wouldn’t happen, but they finally met this year and they had a good time together–hectic but good.
Things between them are intensifying and I love it. I feel so happy and excited for them. Seeing him happy brings me happiness, and listening to him speak about her and how they speak about the future brings me so much joy, but it also brings me sadness.

I am sad because I feel left out. I feel sad, because I thought that after all we’ve been through together, we could at least rebuild our relationship – work on our communication, work on our friendship, reconnect, just get to know one another better, and have some time to do the things we have spoken about–create memories together, etc. Granted, we can still do so but it’ll have to be another readjustment.

They speak about the future, what they want their poly to look like, household, BDSM, etc. And I just sit there and think “what about me?” I haven’t felt secure in our relationship for a while. Just a few months ago, I went into a bit of a depression, because all of my insecurities resurfaced and I’ve started learning how to love myself and all, but I can’t help but to feel envious about how they get to speak about things that I crave from him.

Like I said before, he introduced me to poly, and, him being the person he was, made me submit to him, but we haven’t been able to experience any of BDSM power exchange. I’ve been very understanding, which he acknowledges, but I don’t think he necessarily wants that from me. Yesterday, he said to me how he has been thinking about relocating closer to the state she lives in because of the job opportunities, lifestyles, etc. It took me by surprise, because the state she lives in is one that I thought about relocating to in the next few years because of all the things he has said. I never spoke to him about it, because we stopped speaking about things like that a long time ago.

He did say to me that he wants me to come with him, which made me smile, because again, I was thinking of relocating there at some point, and also because he thought of me and doesn’t want to “leave me behind.” But I also fear that maybe the reason why he doesn’t want to leave me behind is because through all of the craziness we’ve experienced together, I’ve stuck around and have been patient and beyond understanding, so maybe he feels he owes me that.

Or maybe it is just me overthinking all of this?

I know he cares about me, and I don’t want to have that same connection they have, because it is something special and something that I will eventually write a book about (with some twists). I just want him and I to strengthen our relationship.

Writing this helped me realize how deeply wounded I am and how I must heal and learn how to love myself, not just for him but for me. I honestly don’t know what my point was in writing this, other than to vent and maybe get back some feedback. What I do know is that I am not feeling as overwhelmed as I was originally.