Poly is What You Make It

You think being a polyamorous person will erase all of your relationship woes? Guess again. If anything, being poly puts everything under a lens that allows everything to be discussed. Many will believe that they are not meant for poly because the same tragedies that plagued their monogamous relationship has in turn plagued their poly relationship. This doesn’t have to be true for you and the relationships that you form.

What’s great about being in an open relationship is that you have more control of your life. You’re not stuck in a situation where your options are limited. The concept of family and love is taking on a new identity, and I believe that it’s heading in a direction that will allow people of color more flexibility in the design of their families.

Poly encourages healthy dynamics in relationships. It’s a mirror reflection of what you put out in the world. You’re unable to hide in other partners because your issues will simply rise to the top. The connections you’ve formed will be strained if you don’t first take care of the relationship you have with yourself.

I’m a counselor by trade, so I highly advocate for people to practice some form of self care as they navigate life. Knowing yourself goes a long ways in figuring out what kind of poly relationships you desire. So I encourage everyone to look into taking the Myers Briggs personality tests and other scientific instruments that can give you insight into who you are.

Ask your partners, friends, and family about quirks of yours that stick out. It’s better to know your strengths and weakness so that you can educate your partners about the best way to communicate with you. Do some journaling about your past relationships and look at them without the concept of you being involved. Some exploration about who you are in relationships will give you better insight into what style of relationship will work best for you.

You’ll encounter heartbreak, passion, tears, joy, all of the emotions that are essential to the human experience. If you’re running away from those things, then you need to take a reality check. Poly is hard. Mono is hard. Life is hard. But learning to dance in the rain is what makes life worth living. Those moments when we are able to see the sun through the fog and realize that it’s all about our perspective.

Developing healthy relationships is my passion these days. And I want to help others have those healthy relationships with their partners, family members, and friends. The poly community is growing. I would love to see it become more popular in the black community. The economic hardships that face minority populations and low income folks would benefit from a more communal style of family and relationships. It could make a world of difference in the development of young lives. Think about the emotional intelligence of these children compared to what we currently see.

Just like we go through stages of our black identity, so does our identity as a poly person. Allow yourself the space and grace to make mistakes. Move at your own pace and educate yourself by reading posts, joining Facebook groups, etc. The only way to start finding out what you want from poly is to explore. Look at certain relationships and say, I can see myself in a relationship like that. Or vice versa. Personally, I could never see myself in a closed triad, but at some point in my life that may be a great option. It’s all about the now and what it’s doing for you.

Last but not least I want to reiterate the importance of self care. Schedule time to yourself as if it was a date. Just you and the universe. Interact with the world in a different way and bring the information you’ve learned back to your partners. It’ll make for a wonderful experience and promote growth amongst your polycule. Take care of yourself and others. Metta.

Check out more of Brian’s writings at www.cultivatingdopeness.com.