Race Matters

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I like white women. Yeah I said it. Not only that, but I love women of all races that inhabit this earth. That’s why, as an heterosexual cis-gendered male, I do not have a preference when it comes to race. In my book, race shouldn’t matter. But I’m far too wise to understand that this hasn’t been the case. I understand that some brothers feel the need to only marry and populate this earth with melanted sistas. To a degree, I completely understand where this ideology comes from.

My personal marriage story ended pretty tragically, because I was trying to uphold an ideal of what black love is supposed to look like. Called myself trying to create an Obama family of excellence. Since that fall from grace, I took race and religion out of my love book. It’s not so much that I don’t value race and religion, but because of my own personal experience, I can’t fathom trying to design a relationship based on race alone. Now! With that being said, I do have a bar for my partners to leap over. I need to know their wokeness. How authentic is this person? Are they generally eager to understand the oppression that is faced by African-Americans in this country? Or do they use my friendship as a prop to show that they have that one black guy that they are cool with? These are the things that matter most to me personally. My future children will grow up with a black father and have black culture ingrained into their upbringing. That’s a priority that I’m not willing to budge on.

I wanted to write about this because in our Black & Poly discussion board, a member asked the question about if he was wrong for requesting that his wife only have relationships with black men. You are never wrong for voicing your opinion on something that speaks to your heart and core values. I would caution that you should give your wife the opportunity to explain if this doesn’t fit well with her core values. If you’re married, then I would assume that you share core values, but you must remember that she is an individual just like yourself. She has autonomy over her personal dominion, and there is nothing more beautiful than a black man who completely trusts his black wife to make decisions in regards to how they shape their polycule. Remember, she loves you, and she already wants to make sure she doesn’t rock the boat with the relationship.

Imposing unnecessary restrictions on people is a sure fire way to create an environment for deception and cheating. Try boundary language where you get to the root of your feelings. Rules can come off as feeling entitled and controlling. Rules enforce restrictions and make people feel stuck. Value her views as you would want your views to be valued also. May nothing but peace and happiness bless your relationships from this point on and forward. Metta.

Check out more of Brian’s writings at www.cultivatingdopeness.com.

Poly Is What You Make It

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You think being a polyamorous person will erase all of your relationship woes? Guess again. If anything, being poly puts everything under a lens that allows everything to be discussed. Many will believe that they are not meant for poly because the same tragedies that plagued their monogamous relationship has in turn plagued their poly relationship. This doesn’t have to be true for you and the relationships that you form.

What’s great about being in an open relationship is that you have more control of your life. You’re not stuck in a situation where your options are limited. The concept of family and love is taking on a new identity, and I believe that it’s heading in a direction that will allow people of color more flexibility in the design of their families.

Poly encourages healthy dynamics in relationships. It’s a mirror reflection of what you put out in the world. You’re unable to hide in other partners because your issues will simply rise to the top. The connections you’ve formed will be strained if you don’t first take care of the relationship you have with yourself.

I’m a counselor by trade, so I highly advocate for people to practice some form of self care as they navigate life. Knowing yourself goes a long ways in figuring out what kind of poly relationships you desire. So I encourage everyone to look into taking the Myers Briggs personality tests and other scientific instruments that can give you insight into who you are.

Ask your partners, friends, and family about quirks of yours that stick out. It’s better to know your strengths and weakness so that you can educate your partners about the best way to communicate with you. Do some journaling about your past relationships and look at them without the concept of you being involved. Some exploration about who you are in relationships will give you better insight into what style of relationship will work best for you.

You’ll encounter heartbreak, passion, tears, joy, all of the emotions that are essential to the human experience. If you’re running away from those things, then you need to take a reality check. Poly is hard. Mono is hard. Life is hard. But learning to dance in the rain is what makes life worth living. Those moments when we are able to see the sun through the fog and realize that it’s all about our perspective.

Developing healthy relationships is my passion these days. And I want to help others have those healthy relationships with their partners, family members, and friends. The poly community is growing. I would love to see it become more popular in the black community. The economic hardships that face minority populations and low income folks would benefit from a more communal style of family and relationships. It could make a world of difference in the development of young lives. Think about the emotional intelligence of these children compared to what we currently see.

Just like we go through stages of our black identity, so does our identity as a poly person. Allow yourself the space and grace to make mistakes. Move at your own pace and educate yourself by reading posts, joining Facebook groups, etc. The only way to start finding out what you want from poly is to explore. Look at certain relationships and say, I can see myself in a relationship like that. Or vice versa. Personally, I could never see myself in a closed triad, but at some point in my life that may be a great option. It’s all about the now and what it’s doing for you.

Last but not least I want to reiterate the importance of self care. Schedule time to yourself as if it was a date. Just you and the universe. Interact with the world in a different way and bring the information you’ve learned back to your partners. It’ll make for a wonderful experience and promote growth amongst your polycule. Take care of yourself and others. Metta.

Check out more of Brian’s writings at www.cultivatingdopeness.com.

 

BDSM and Polyamory

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Jai is back with her story of how BDSM and polyamory intersect. If you missed her first article, check out BDSM 101.

I was introduced to both lifestyles relatively at the same time within my first Dominant/submissive relationship. My Sir and I talked a great amount about life and relationships in general. The topic of polyamory came up. He asked me did I know what it was and how did I feel about it? I’m a very open-minded person and I had read about it prior to meeting him so I told him how I felt about the subject. That was the end of the conversation until months later when he told me that he had another sub and we would all be meeting and spending time together. The only thing he told me is “Don’t be jealous”. I don’t want any jealousy from you. That was the first time I even thought about the possibility of me being jealous of another woman.

Polyamory and BDSM–or D/s and M/s lifestyles–have several similarities, but the only difference is that there’s a power exchange aspect to these relationships. People who are in Dominant/submissive or Master/slave relationships maybe poly but then again there are those who seek monogamy within their dynamics as well.

One similarity is that most D/s poly relationships can be hierarchical. Like any poly relationship, people who are into BDSM can or single. Also, a common misconception is that couples who are into BDSM or the lifestyle, in general, are only comprised of a Dominant and a submissive. The reality is that there are couples in the lifestyle who both identify as Dominants. I’ve personally been in poly relationships with both types of couples. I won’t delve deeper into that but please do take a look at my article on BDSM 101 if you’re confused by any of these terms. I noticed that most married couples have a hierarchical poly situation but it’s not always an OPP(one penis policy) especially if both people identify as Dominants. Both of them may have submissives as each as well as play partners.

One of my relationships was with a married couple comprised of a Daddy Dominant and his baby girl wife. I was actually invited by her to be apart of their family. Her husband, the Daddy was our Dominant. She was a baby girl ,which is under the submissive category but she also had a male slave. They had a purely non-physical, non-sexual relationship. I was her husband’s submissive and I was also in service to her under that specific hierarchy.

To explain what the term “in service” means would show how hierarchy plays a role. In service generally, means that I would also play a submissive role to her as well. That role is not always sexual as with any other relationship. Because they were married and I was coming into the relationship I was the third and therefore was beneath her in the BDSM dynamic.

Another similarity is that often times there is an OPP (one penis policy) The OPP is also rooted in the power exchange that’s within that particular relationship. Personally, I’m opposed to an OPP but once I enter into that power exchange with a Dominant, I can expect that.

The Power exchange is the true distinction. An s-type (submissive, slave, babygirl or masochist) willfully give over that power to their Dominant in exchange for guidance, protection and or leadership. While the s-type has the established responsibilities that his or her Dominant has stated that they need.

Polyamory with a female Dominant woman can look very different. While there is still a power exchange dynamic there may not be an OPP. The female dominant’s sexuality may play a role in this, and if her submissives are male or female. An example is if both the dominant and her submissive are bisexual or pansexual, they both may have other male or female partners to varying degrees and intensities.

All in all, polyamory is and can be integrated into any type of alternative lifestyle. It all amounts to loving and being open to love more than one individual.

Do you have experience with BDSM? Comment below or send us your story!

Stop Sharing Partners!

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As the second eldest of eight children, I learned at an early age the importance of sharing. After a certain amount of children, we became a unit, a flock, a group, and were treated as such.

That’s not to say our individuality was lost, but it can be quite expensive gifting and even treating a large family. Enter: group gifts. These were generalized items that we could either enjoy collectively, or pass around individually. Share.

This became second nature after some squabbles, and eventually sharing became something we wanted, and volunteered to do. But every so often we would receive a personalized gift, one in which we did not have to share as a default, but with permission.

I had several possessions which I passed along happily, keeping a watchful eye on my younger siblings as they tend to destroy all they came in contact with. But my prize possession was MINE. No human dare ask to borrow it, lest they be subjected to a fury hell hath not endured. My coveted possession was cherished and loved to destruction or loss by my own hands.

Unlike that toy or gift, my lovers aren’t mine to possess (unless we’re talking kink.) They aren’t my toys to lend out. They don’t belong to me to share. In all actuality they are sharing of themselves with me. They are free thinking, free loving, individuals, who can make their own decisions, do what they please with their bodies and love, including sharing it with others. It’s their possession, not mine. Respectfully, my body, time and love is my possession to share with whom I desire, without ‘permission’ from anyone.

This concept is what allows me to appreciate them more, not taking for granted that we will be together. I no longer feel entitled to or believe in forever, but am appreciative for every beautiful moment spent together, that we share with each other.

Polyamory is about consent, yes, but what we are consenting to is the non monogamy, not how that looks. All too often when meeting new loves we are bumping into more restrictions imposed by other parties than liberties. And isn’t liberated love essentially what Polyamory about?
Are your relationships prisons and boot camps masquerading as a good time? Trying to control every aspect of your love’s lives is like monitoring your younger siblings in hopes they don’t break what’s ‘yours’. Expecting new partners to thank you for sharing what isn’t essentially yours to share, is quite possessive and in fact screams “Monogamy conditioning!” More so than Polyamory.

This may be one of the reasons so many of those who transition or are even considered vets may have a hard time! Self work= Self worth. It begins with understanding the value of self and how we would like to be loved unrestricted like children.

When we stop looking at ourselves and our lovers through the eyes of a toy mongering 3 year old, and truly understand that they belong to themselves, and we, ourselves, we may be able to loosen the reigns a little and enjoy life and loves just a bit more.

Daddy’s girls

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Here’s another of type of posts available to our Patreon subscribers. This post contains adult content and language.

Wake up. Quietly slip out of bed. Close the door so wouldn’t wake them up. Cook breakfast. Nothing fancy. French toast, eggs, bacon and grits with juice. Makes plates. Prep bathroom so He can piss and brush teeth. Walk back in room. “Morning Sir. I cooked.” He sits up. I quickly kneel and slip on His slippers. We walk to bathroom. I stand and wait patiently. He walks into living room. I wait for Him to get comfortable. I pass Him the remote then quickly grab his food and juice. Wait patiently as He finds what He wants to watch and take His first bite of food. “Is it ok, Sir?” “Yes, baby. It’s fine. Go handle your business”. I quickly walk back to bathroom and flush toilet and prep toothbrush. Then go back to the room. Such a beautiful sight to see. I walk over to bed and kiss her on her forehead. She wakes up. “Morning beautiful. I’ve cooked breakfast. Daddy has been served. Your toothbrush is prepped and your plate is waiting on you.” She smiles and sits up in the bed. Grabs my hand as I begin to walk away. I turn around. She gets up and hugs me and kisses my neck. I blush. “You’re so sweet. Since you cooked breakfast, I’ll cook lunch and we can do dinner together.” My heart smiles. “Sounds perfect.” I say trying to tone down my excitement. She goes and brushes her teeth. I grab my plate and go sit at Daddy’s feet and eat. She comes in and sits down next to Daddy to eat. Daddy finishes before everyone. I pause eating to take His plate to the kitchen then return to His feet. “Finish eating. I’m going to get my clothes out. By time I’m done you should be done eating and ready to wash me.” “Yes Sir.” Washing Him gives me life. I finish eating and quickly put dish up and hurry to the bathroom to prep to wash Daddy. Sister wife finishes eating and begins to wash dishes. Daddy walks past me and goes into kitchen to kiss sister wife. My heart races. The very sight of them together makes my heart smile. She winks at me and Daddy walks back towards me and drops His towel.

What happens next? If you’re a Patreon subscriber you’ll get the password to the rest of the story!

Best Possible Outcomes

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Best Possible Outcomes

So, my girlfriend Leslie has been watching Seinfeld. She didn’t watch it while it was new or in syndication but she was aware of the hype. Now that the hype has settled down, she’s going through the entire series on Hulu. Recently, we were hanging out, watching TV mid-afterglow (as you do), and one of the more notable episodes appeared. Season 7. Episode 11. The Rye.

Although the series finale really soured me towards the show, I watched the hell out of it before it wrapped up. So I’m well aware of what the episode is about…or at least the dominant draw of the resulting conversations. George’s extremely particular parents, Kramer’s flatulent horse, and Jerry mugging an old lady in the street for a loaf of bread. Hilarious. But watching with fresh and polyamorous eyes, what struck me was Elaine’s interaction with a jazzman named John.

It’s not uncommon to find an episode where some guy is flirting with Elaine or vice versa. It happens. No big deal. But between measuring out her approach speed and her reservations about John’s apparent reluctance to perform oral sex, it’s clear that Elaine is into this guy. That’s when it struck me. If this works out perfectly for Elaine…if he’s receptive to her…if he starts going down on a regular basis…if he impresses her with his skill as a musician…this will be the last man she ever fucks.

Well, at least, that’s how the thought came out at the time. To break it down, I’m talking about the Relationship Escalator. Popularized by writer/blogger Aggie Sez, it’s the concept that our mononormative society promotes a one-track standard for relationship progress. Meet, date exclusively, move in together, get married, have kids, and die. And that’s a conclusion that both Elaine and John are most likely all good with. In fact, as a standard operating procedure, this is their best possible outcome.

There’s nothing wrong with monogamy or the relationship escalator. My only real issue is with the expectation…the presumption…the lack of intentionality. None of the characters in Seinfeld are really suited for the strict monogamy they often appear to seek. As far as I remember, it’s never even a topic of discussion. Not on that show or almost any other popular show. But who cares? They’re just flashing lights on the boob tube.

The problem is that many of us do that with our lives. We don’t examine our needs, our proclivities, or our options. We use monogamy and the escalator as a default setting whether it fits us or not. In any other aspect of our lives, this would be absurd. Imagine if someone ate the best meal they’ve ever had and then resolved to eat only that meal for the rest of forever.

Of course, that’s the story of Don Gorske. Since 1971, Gorske has eaten McDonald’s Big Macs almost exclusively. Every few years, articles are written about what milestone he’s passed. At his current pace, we can expect a few new articles in 2018 when he hits 30,000 sandwiches eaten. Gorske, though, is regarded as an oddity. Someone who has given up on a world of culinary delights in favor of a singular experience repeated until death. But that’s a choice that he’s made for himself. In that, he’s an exception. Society isn’t aligned to make the Don Gorskes of the world the rule…which is precisely what we’re expected to do with our relationships.

Not only are we expected to run with it, we’ve also established a cultural pattern of complaining about it.

Keep your eyes and ears open long enough and you’ll run into images of men at bachelor parties wearing shirts that read “Game Over”. You’ll hear exasperated coworkers complaining about the spouse who they regard as a ball and chain. You’ll encounter sex workers who talk about long time clients who love their partners but need more than a single person can provide. One of TVs longest running sitcoms, Married…with Children, was pretty much a descent into the hostile union of two people who didn’t really want and never negotiated the exclusivity they both felt burdened with. But we’re all expected to relate to their struggle and laugh…and we did…for 11 problematic seasons.

So, as a society, we recognize that lifelong monogamy can be a difficult and stifling proposition. Which is fine, if you want it. But to go along with it quietly? What’s that about? If we’re going to continually offer up our romantic freedom… If we’re going to saddle a single person with the unreasonable expectation of being our everything… If we’re going to repeatedly tease the prospect of giving up the remainder of our new relational experiences to a singular point of input…isn’t some examination called for? A conversation? Some dialogue about what it all really means? Can we at least approach something this life-defining with the same amount of consideration as our next major appliance purchase?

Don’t we owe it to ourselves to at least entertain our options? Maybe you land on polyamory or maybe you decide that complete exclusivity works best for your life. Or maybe you discover a wide range of happy mediums that make more sense in the face of societal structures you’re not entirely comfortable with. Whatever it is and whatever you choose, shouldn’t our best possible outcomes be one that we took the initiative to decide for ourselves?

A Unicorn by Any Other Name

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A Unicorn by Any Other Name……

“Unicorn.” One of the first terms of the polyamorous lexicon that I encountered upon entering the non-monogamous world. Generally it is used to describe a single bisexual female willing to become sexually and/or romantically involved with a couple that is usually comprised of a heterosexual man and a bisexual woman. You need not be in the polyamorous community long to become aware that it is a hotly contested term with negative connotations. Just try posting in a polyamory group asking who identifies as a unicorn and you’re in for a bumpy ride. You also need not be in the polyamorous community long to become aware that there are many unicorn horror stories, many women who complain of the predatory-like tactics of “unicorn-hunters” (heterosexual couples looking for a bisexual woman to “complete their union”), many who lament the evils of couple-privilege, closed triads, and being a “third”.

I was initially tasked to write some of those stories. Even had a clever little title for my article. “Tales from the Unicorn Stable”. I posted on my page and in several groups asking if anyone who identifies as a unicorn would be willing to share their experience being such with me. I received quite a few responses from those who wished to participate, all of them being women which didn’t surprise me, but I was struck by a thought. Bisexual women aren’t the only ones with “unicorn” stories to tell and the fact that we don’t hear the stories of the other persons in the polyamorous community having “unicorn” experiences is disappointing.

The reality is that lesbian couples seek single lesbian women to form a triad. Gay men seek other single gay men to form triads. Lesbian couples comprised of two bisexual women often seek a single heterosexual man to join their unit as gay couples comprised of two bisexual men seek single heterosexual women to join them. Couples with a heterosexual woman and a bisexual man also seek a single bisexual man to join them. Couples with gender queer/gender non-conforming/gender non-binary persons who seek other single persons who identify as such to form triads with. Basically, if you can think it, it exists. While these instances aren’t as frequent, bisexual women aren’t the only ones subject to the phenomenon of being sought after by eager couples looking to “add to their relationship”.

I mentioned in a comment on one of my posts that I wished I could find a male “unicorn” to interview and a friend of mine who would be categorized by the classic definition of the term expressed what I perceived as a sort of ownership over the word. She replied that interchanging the word to include other persons besides single bisexual women was confusing. I understand her point but how then are these other people who are having these “unicorn-esque” experiences supposed to share their stories when there is no language for them to do so because the definition of unicorn is so narrow? She also expressed not wishing to be objectified by the term while another woman that I spoke to said that she loved being called a unicorn. To her, it has a mythical, magical quality that she enjoys being associated with herself.

Since I don’t technically fall into the original definition of the term, I am a little hesitant to prescribe this but I think the definition of “unicorn” should be expanded to describe the phenomenon of the two seeking the magical one to form the fully connected three. Many women who are categorized as unicorns balk at the term and being objectified as such but if the term were broadened to define a concept and not a specific type of individual, that objectification would lessen because it would include a variety of examples. I also think that the narrowness of the term allows for other types of couples who don’t fall into the classic description of “unicorn-hunters” to believe that they aren’t carrying out problematic behaviors in their search for their “third” because how can they be “unicorn-hunters” if they aren’t looking for a “unicorn”? They may not be looking for a single bisexual woman but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t committing many of the same faux pas that most unicorn-hunting couples commit like treating the new person as an add-on to the existing relationship, making rules and agreements for the new person before they even enter into the relationship, not allowing for the new partner to develop individual relationships with each party in the couple, wielding couple-privilege all over the place, etc.

As this community expands and evolves, so will its language and words. One of the things I love and loathe about language is its ability to adapt and to change. I think it’s time that we examine some of those terms and ask do they fit us anymore. Triads are not all heterosexual male/bisexual female/bisexual female. They come in many varieties and are made up of a multitude of genders and sexualities. And just like there are many different kinds of horses, I think there are many different kinds of “unicorns”. While the experience of a bisexual male in a couple would I’m sure be different from a bisexual woman’s, I’m also confident that they’d find a lot of commonalities in being the person entering into an already established relationship of two.

To quote Shakespeare, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” and I believe a “unicorn” by any other definition, would still be as magical.

BDSM 101

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What is it?
BDSM or Bondage Dominance Sadomasochism. Historically it is a coined phrase from the “fathers of sexual deviance,” as I like to call them, the Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch. For many people, BDSM is a lifestyle choice that they live 24/7 while others choose to be involved just in the bedroom or when they can make time.

Couples involved in the lifestyle enter into the D/s lifestyle (Dominant/submissive) or M/s (Master/slave) lifestyle for several reasons. Those entering into the lifestyle and who desire to live it 24/7 decide to enter into a contract between themselves. By entering into a contract, both the dominant and the submissive are aware of what their responsibilities are. Every contract and dynamic (relationship) is different. Some relationships are lifelong, while others, just like any type of relationship, may last several months or years.

Short term play is called a scene. A scene is role play that has been negotiated between the two people. Another short term arrangement can be a professional who works at a dungeon that been can hired, most commonly known as a Dominatrix (female). There are professional male Dominants, but they are less well known. Professional submissives (male and female) can be hired out as well.

Specific lifestyle philosophies
Most practitioners of BDSM follow two different philosophies:

  • Safe sane and consensual (SSC) which is a term which came from a gay activist organization in the 1970s that revolves around activities that are safe for everyone involved.
  • Risk Aware Consensual Kink or (RACK) which is another practice within the kink community that some people use to ensure all parties involved take individual responsibility for their actions.

 

What It Isn’t
BDSM isn’t abuse. BDSM isn’t Fifty Shades of Grey. There’s a very clear distinction between BDSM and sexual abuse. So what are the most common misconceptions about the lifestyle? Some of the most common misconceptions are:

  1. BDSM is only for white people and that only white people do it. That is very far from the truth. There is a very strong community of black and brown kinky people within most major cities: New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, Washington D.C. and Los Angeles, to name a few.
  2. It’s all about pain. While there are sadists and masochists who enjoy the pain aspect, not everyone identifies with the need to inflict pain or the desire to receive pain.
  3. It’s all about sex. While sexual contact and sex may be a part of some people’s scenes or what they enjoy when they play, for most people it’s not necessary. For most people, like myself, I got into BDSM not for sex but to figure out certain things about myself. I got into the lifestyle for some semblance of normalcy and structure.

What are the Titles?
There are specific titles and categories that most people like to place themselves in based on how they want to be viewed. The most common and most known are dominants and submissives. In general, dominants can be categorized as Masters, Daddys/Mommys, Sadists, or Tops and they are not gender exclusive. Dominants can be either male or female. Submissives can be baby girls/boys, brats, masochists, slaves or bottoms. Another category is called a switch. A switch is a male or female who posses both dominant and submissive traits and tendencies. Other categories are hedonists, voyeurs, exhibitionists, rope tops, bottoms, riggers, and bunnies.

Activities Within the Community
People within the BDSM community have a variety of options that they can enjoy with others who life the lifestyle as well. Some of the most common are:

  • Munches. Munches are get togethers in a neutral, non-kink setting such as a restaurant or bar. People meet to talk, eat, and communicate with others in the community.
  • Play parties. Play parties are parties involving play at a local dungeon that has BDSM equipment to use. Some are open to the public. Often it is a private, invite-only event. Cost can range from free to $40 depending on membership and if there will be someone teaching a technique or speaking on a particular topic.
  • Classes. Classes can be on history, relationship advice, or certain techniques such as how to use implements like a flogger or single tail whip.
  • Sloshes. Sloshes are munches that involve alcohol. Sloshes are held at a local bar or an establishment that serves alcoholic beverages.
  • Conferences. Often throughout the year, across the country, conferences are held at hotels. These conferences may range from just a day to a whole weekend. These events are more in depth in regards to the classes and topics being discussed.

 

My Personal Story
I decided to join an online fetish community (Fetlife) because at the time my best friend had joined, and she said it seemed interesting. Me being who I am (always curious) I decided to join. It was something new and exciting and I am always up for something new and exciting.

When I joined the site, I thought I was going to have a different experience. I got weird inbox messages from men I didn’t know and didn’t care to know. I felt like they were rude, and they talked to me like they knew me on a personal level. I wasn’t having that, so I deleted my account, feeling slightly upset and defeated. My father had recently passed away, and I needed to take a break from everything.

A year later, I decided to come back and give it a try. Something was nagging away at me deep inside. I felt like I was missing something in my life. On the surface I had everything going on for myself. A good job, a house, and my children were doing good. But something was missing. I felt like my life was chaotic. I had goals and things that I was accomplishing, but I needed more structure and more rules.

So I jumped back on the website and joined a few groups. I joined groups that mainly catered to submissive women. I learned a great deal about what true submission was. It wasn’t just doing what my mate wanted me to do, and it wasn’t just making his dinner. I soon met my first Dominant. The relationship changed me for the better. He taught me so much and also challenged me to learn why I was in the lifestyle and what I ultimately got out of it. Through self discovery and research that he required, I learned that being a submissive required so much strength. I willingly submit to another person’s will. To trust that that the other person has your best interest at heart that is true submission. That relationship ended, but I went on to have other D/s relationships, and they all taught me a little bit more about myself and what I needed. I’m grateful for my journey.

Do you have experience with BDSM? Comment below or send us your story!

Further Reading
Story of O by Pauline Reage
Tarnsman of Gor by John Norman
9 ½ Weeks by Elizabeth McNeil
Exit to Eden by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure
Belinda by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure
Claiming of Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice writing as A.N. Roquelaure
Something Leather by Alasdair
The Wet Forever by David Aaron Clark

Mr. & Misogyny

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Although the title is meant to be witty and slightly humorous in the name of starting a conversation, the people I’m describing can be quite the opposite. You know them. Or maybe you ARE them. The forced OPP couple who have deemed it “Unicorn season”. The Hoteps who insist their “secondary” single girlfriends date only them while they themselves are married. The wife who only wants to play pillow princess to, but could never marry or take a relationship serious. Even the LGBTQ couple who fall into heteronormative gender identifications in which the feminine party is viewed as less than, or subservient to the masculine or otherwise dominant one.

For some reason or another polyamorous people are sometimes looked upon as more enlightened and or evolved than the general monogamous population.

Some of us will argue that monogamy is actually the devolution of the natural order of things, but I can agree that the ability to connect to and love more than one person in these times is hella progressive.
But to think that these poly-oriented people don’t each come with a customized set of very human and sometimes downright oppressive belief systems is not a stretch, it’s just incorrect.

I can only speak for my experiences , and those that have been shared with me from other non mono people. I listen to the stories of women and men who try to love these people, only to be treated as less than, or even as some kind of disposable object, here for the entertainment of those who subscribe to these ideals. The worst of these stories end in abuse, self esteem issues and other emotional and psychological damage.

I myself have my own tales to tell, as a masculine leaning androgynous queer person in a largely hetero community, (many woman I date are married to men) I have been made to feel as though my relationships are invalid. As if my presence in a married woman’s life was temporary, a phase she was going through, and not to be taken seriously. And not just by the men in these scenarios.

I’ve seen men and women alike flip out over wives for even wanting sexual encounters with men, but won’t push to meet or otherwise interact with me in the same situation because “men are different”. As if somehow my vagina makes me safe. Or not as bad. Or anything less than capable of doing just as much damage as my male counterparts. How cute, my girl has a girlfriend!

How do we move past misogyny in a society in which rape, domestic abuse and other atrocities are often blamed on the victims? How do you convince a woman her internalized misogyny is toxic to free thinking, womanist or feminist types, and this may be why nobody wants to “inbox her man if they aren’t eating her p*ssy” as one meme I saw suggests?

Here’s an idea; by not entertaining that mess. Say no to the date with the dude that insists you wear heels and know how to cook. Don’t hook up the woman who lets you know she could never go beyond sex with a woman. Let the woman who expects you to pay for the date know, men can be treated too. Call out the LGBT folks who belittle those who don’t fall into their already marginalized hypocrisy. Y’all need to check yourselves. This ain’t the 50’s!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for living your truth unapologetically. We are in a free thinking society in which one can do what they please, and some folks are OK with varying schools of radical thought. This is all good! But instead of forcing these hyper masculinity based belief systems on the rest of us, find each other and be happy. Let Mr. and Misogyny take their forced OPP elsewhere. Let the rest of us poly in peace and equal love.

What’s your take? Share it with us!