Five years ago, Ron Young started Black & Poly with the vision of creating a space for black families to love and learn together. Now, Black & Poly is celebrating it's fifth anniversary with a weekend-long party in Los Angeles! Here are just a few of the highlights for this exciting event, September 28-30.
Polyamory is not new, but rigorous research into the lovestyle has been lacking, especially in the black community. Below we've compiled recent research about polyamory. Click here for a listing of articles specifically on polyamory and children.
"The Sharing Game" was designed by Dr. Arthur Aron as a way for complete strangers to develop close bonds or even romantic connections in just under an hour. This "game" explores vulnerability and transparency in a way that results in accelerated emotional intimacy, and interpersonal closeness with others through introspective sharing, and deep communication.
You ever talk to a person and just instantly feel a kinship and ease with them? A comfort and familiarity. Warmth. That was exactly what my conversation with Ruby Bouie Johnson felt like. I had never met Ruby in person or online, and I was asked to get the word out about this dynamic polyamorous woman of color and to plug her upcoming event in July. Poly Dallas Millennium is her annual symposium about ethical and consensual non-monogamy with a special emphasis on the experiences of persons of color. I called Ruby on an early Saturday afternoon, and, in no time, we were chatting like old friends.
ES: “Hello! Such a pleasure to be speaking with you. Let’s dive in! How long have you been polyamorous?”
RBJ: “I discovered polyamory in 2010.”
ES: “Nice! And how many current partners do you have?”
RBJ: *Laughs* “Partner is such a loaded word! Let’s just say that I have many people that I love a lot that have love for me, but I am currently in one romantic relationship.”
ES: *Laughs* “I feel that! Makes sense. Tell me how you discovered polyamory.”
RBJ: “I met a gentleman while in recovery. He was recently divorced and didn’t want to be monogamous anymore; he was over it. He introduced the concept to me. I didn’t understand it. I had a territorial and possessive idea about love, that there wasn’t enough, that love was scarce. I struggled. We broke up but I fell in love with the community. Like minded people together, learning from one another and supporting each other. My first love was the community.”
ES: “Man, do I understand that. Discovering the swinger community had that same affect for me. I felt like I was finally around people who ‘get’ me. People I could really be myself with.”
RBJ: “And through polyamory, I discovered the kink community. Kink was always something that I held but hadn’t fully explored. There’s a large intersection of the polyamorous and kink communities. I burst open. I was like a kid in a candy store and no one judged me! I felt freedom from the abuse I had experienced in my life; I learned about consent. Polyamory was the catalyst for a life altering change for me. It aided in my recovery and in the evolution of myself. It was the liberation and the breaking of life long chains. I never thought I’d get remarried, and now I’ve been with my current spouse for five years.”
ES: “I felt the Spirit move on that one! What is polyamory about to you?”
RBJ: “Honestly, polyamory is as much about loving myself as it is about loving others. It’s about not judging ourselves for our wants and desires and not judging others for theirs. It’s a revolutionary act of love for me.”
ES: “That resonated with me. The biggest benefit of polyamory for me is the self-discovery. I have learned so much about myself and how to appreciate and accept and love ME. I feel like once I began to learn how to do that, it made it easier for me to do that for others.”
RBJ: “Exactly. You can’t do something for someone else that you can’t do for yourself.”
ES: “What would you consider is YOUR polyamorous practice?”
RBJ: “My approach to polyamory is an egalitarian approach. In my experience, hierarchy in my relationships doesn’t work, it doesn’t feel good. I don’t have a “primary” and “secondary” outlook for my relationships. There’s no up or down. I feel like an egalitarian approach is kinder. No one is made to feel like a second class citizen or disposable. I had to learn how jealousy works in order to learn how to be accepting and inviting of the people I am in relationship with.”
ES: “To me, egalitarian relationships are empowered relationships. People do better when they feel they have power and agency in their relationships. Tell me about your event in the summer! What is the Poly Dallas Millennium Symposium?”
RBJ: “The Poly Dallas Millennium Symposium started in 2015 as a workshop to educate clinicians about polyamory, kink, and BDSM. By 2016 it was over two days long. 2017, three days. Poly Dallas first provided a platform for a lot of folks of color to have their voices be heard. That wasn’t commonly heard of at poly conferences before: a large number of speakers of color.”
ES: “Even now, we are just starting to really make our voices heard as polyamorous people of color.”
RBJ: “This is the only event of this kind that caters specifically to persons of color and their experiences. It’s a labor of love for me; I pour my own personal resources into it because I believe in what we’re doing.”
ES: “I have heard some incredible things about the event.”
RBJ: “We have to be intentional about creating our own spaces. We need our black communities to come out and support. This may be the last year I am able to coordinate this if we don’t get the word out and get people coming.”
ES: “That is a major struggle. I live in San Diego where large communities of black polyamorous persons are scarce. It’s hard trying to get people to come together. We complain about not having our own spaces and representation but when we do, we need to do the work to keep them going.”
RBJ: “This year we have an incredible line up of speakers, including Kevin Patterson, author of ‘Love Is Not Colorblind’ and creator of the Poly Role Models blog, and Femnista Jones, blogger, activist, and author of ‘The Secret of Sugar Water’.”
ES: “I saw that you wrote the foreword for Kevin’s book! I totally fan girled out for you when I read it! It was really good!”
RBJ: “Thank you! Most people don’t even notice that that was me!”
ES: “What are some of the topics that will be discussed?”
RBJ: “The tagline for Poly Dallas Millennium is Developing Critical Consciousness, and this year’s theme is Rewriting the Rules. We’ll be talking about a wide range of topics from raising children in polyamorous families, dealing with grief and loss in polyamorous relationship, how to set proper boundaries for yourself, the intersection of race in polyamory, rewiring your personal triggers, and a variety of relevant discussions will be taking place.”
ES: “It sounds amazing; I can’t wait to go. It’ll be my first time attending anything like this! I’m excited. Before we close this out, any last words? A parting message?”
RBJ: “Yes. Come and support our event. Lend your presence and voice and experience. Come and learn and find community amongst other polyamorous people of color just like you. Black people are the game changers. We are an essential group, and we don’t realize our power, and once we realize our power, we’ll be unstoppable.”
The 4th annual 2018 Poly Dallas Millennium Symposium will be taking place July 13-15. For more information and to register, visit their website at www.polydallasmillennium.com.
Love’s Not Color Blind by Kevin Patterson
THIS…..BOOK……RIGHT…HERE!!! (inserts slow clap) I’ve been waiting to read this since hearing about it last year. I thought, Finally Yesss, someone talking about the problems of race within polyamory and other alternative communities which I do belong in.
First can we just talk about the Forward by Ruby Bouie Johnson though??!!! Sis, really came through. Yup I’m about to be real black on this review. I already admire her from just hearing her speak on previous occasions within the poly community so when I read her forward it set the tone for the whole book. It fed my soul and made this atheist want to go back to my old church and do a praise dance and run a few laps around the sanctuary. That’s just how good I felt throughout this WHOLE book. Some of her quotes that got me were:
“A book about the polyamorous experience written by a black man just happened in 2017. This is a historical moment.”
“Black people have been spectators to the white experience long enough. Kevin fills a much needed gap in the literature within the poly community.”
I made a status update just 22 pages in about how this book was making me get my whole entire life, and it was. I had to nod my head to SO much in this book. So much that most people in the alternative communities don’t know about inclusion. I’ve personally experienced in the BDSM community both online and in real life. I’ve been one of the only few black women there who just so happened to have a friend (another black women who I refer to as my “sub sister”) there to support and have fun, but of course I’ve been met with the fetishization of me and my body as a black woman. Kevin speaks about this at length in his chapter on fetishization.
I’ve dogeared several pages that I wanted to talk about that really resonated with me like always being the “ambassador” of polyamory to my non-poly or mono relatives. It’s really irritating that I’m always that one, the face of polyamory so to speak. I know a few of my friends or relatives may say yeah Jai’s into that “white people shit” which he discusses in the book as well. I nearly died laughing when he said that because I’ve heard that about almost everything I like to do, but, oh well, I won’t take up too much time on that topic.
A few things that Kevin does that I absolutely love about this book is he says in the first few chapters of the book about how much privilege he has a cisgendered heterosexual male. He recognized the privilege he had right there, and that’s very important. Sadly, most non-POC can’t recognize how their racial privilege affects people. For the most part it’s a negative effect. I seriously wish I could post every single quote and thing that hit home. I just nodded my head through so much of it, like yup he gets it. He absolutely gets it. Some of the other topics he discusses are intentional communities, othering, white feminism in polyamory, and fostering inclusion in poly to name a few.
These topics definitely need to be addressed all the time, not just in polyamory and alternative communities. I don’t know how many countless discussion, journal entries and group posts that I’ve read in online forums about racism, stereotyping and fetishization. It’s a sad, sad state of affairs, but it is pretty common and of course those people who do it don’t even realize they’re doing it, and, when confronted, they make up every excuse not “to own their shit” as stated in the book. Hey, everyone can’t and won’t grow, I learned that a long time ago.
I’m going to end this review with another quote that resonated with me. “If you aren’t being actively inclusive, you are being passively exclusionary.”
The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple Partner Relationships and Families by Elizabeth Sheff
In my ever growing thirst for knowledge on polyamory and non-monogamy, I came across this book while browsing Audible. I have a monthly membership, so I’m able to purchase an audiobook with a credit. When I first saw the title, I was like Yessss! They’re finally talking about polyamory within a family setting and how real people navigate it.
Here’s a slight blurb from the Goodreads website about the book. “Dr. Elisabeth Sheff examines polyamorous households and reveals their advantages, disadvantages, and the daily lives of those living in them. While polyamorous families are increasingly common, fairly little is known about them outside of their own social circles or of the occasional media sensationalism. This book provides information that will be useful for professionals with polyamorous clients, educators who wish to understand or teach about polyamory, and especially people who wish to better understand polyamory themselves or explain it to their potential partners, adult children, or in-laws.”
After listening to it, here are my thoughts on the book:
This book came about from 15 years of research in the poly community by the author. For those who continually say, “What about the kids?” when it comes to poly people, Elisabeth gave those real life questions important answers. I felt like her research was groundbreaking in the sense that very few books focus on poly households and the day-to-day lives of those families. I really liked that the author included LGBTQ people and their families in her research as well. One thing I was disappointed with is that there was virtually no representation of poly people of color, which I brought up to a friend who’s doing research on poly people of color. He stated, and I agree, that the poly community is divided along the color lines. Which I feel is very sad. All in all I’m happy that I read this book.
I personally don’t have any small children so this issue doesn’t affect or bother me but it’s important because of my other partners have children and this research and discussion is much needed.
The Game Changer: A Memoir of Disruptive Love by Franklin Veaux
“There is no yardstick for measuring love; nevermind that the heart doesn’t follow rules.”
This quote caught me off guard, and, once I truly understood it, it resonated with me. The author, Franklin Veaux, is the grandfather of modern polyamory in my opinion. His memoir highlighted all his struggles with navigating non-monogamous relationships when there was no such thing. He made errors that I’m grateful for, sad to say. Those errors made a lesson on how to treat your partners ethically and with compassion while not losing who you were ultimately.
His wife Celeste,was a classic example of someone who had a lot of insecurities about herself. Later on in the book, it pointed out that she never considered herself polyamorous, but monogamous, while having sexual relationships with men that she never loved. Sadly, I know someone who deals with this. While I read it, I grew angrier and angrier, because this scenario is what someone I care about is experiencing.
I really would like to one day speak to Mr. Veaux and thank him for his contributions. Thank him for breaking down barriers and societal norms. Anyone who challenges mainstream society and monogamy is my hero.
I’d suggest this book to any poly newbie looking to gain perspective on a more personal level than some of the other nonfiction books on polyamory. While More than Two and The Ethical Slut are great reads for those that are just coming into non-monogamy, The Game Changer is for those of us that have made mistakes and want to know how real people fixed them, while unlearning all the toxic things that monogamy has taught us to be.
Merry Christmas! What a year it's been for Black & Poly. Here's a roundup of what we've seen from black and polyamorous family this year.
Ruby Bouie Johnson responds to recent coverage of polyamory in the national news.
I’ve had several weeks to reflect on the recent coverage of polyamory in a few national media outlets, ranging from the very conservative to the center-left. Though the presentation and tone varied between them, they all managed to be grossly misinformed about the philosophy and practice of polyamory and consensual non-monogamy. Over the last 14 years in direct clinical practice, and the last 3 years in private practice, I can say with confidence that folks who come into my office for relationship therapy, love and care for each other. These individuals seek therapy to educate themselves, mediate their conflicts, and establish agreements to move forward within their relationships, whether they are in a monogamous relationship or a polyamorous relationship or anything else on the relationship continuum.
Let’s concisely dispel the myths.
1. Polyamory is not polygamy.
2. Polyamory is not polyfuckery.
3. Polyamory is not about subjugating monogamy.
4. Comparing polyamory to monogamy and monogamy to polyamory leads to frustration and insult.
5. Qualifying “natural” or “normal” to a persons’ way of loving, living, and being is bullshit.
6. Polyamory is not unnatural, barbaric, or savage.
7. Polyamory does not subjugate or oppress women.
Furthermore, what I read is highly unrealistic about how open relationships work in the real world. What I read was stories of irresponsible remedies to a marriage or partnership that was disconnected. These were stories of infidelity that segue into an open relationship. This is an infrequent way for healthy polyamarous relationships to begin. One of the core tenants of open relationships is consent; real consent, not “apology after the fact”. Clinically, I work with couples that have begun a non-monogamous relationship dynamic in an attempt to recover from an infidelity. The lack of confidence resulting from the deceit and secrecy often disrupts the relationship. In my experience a significant majority of these relationships have irreparable damage. This is not because polyamorous or non-monogamous relationships are unstable, but because deceit and secrecy are highly destabilizing to any relationship, whether it is a monogamous relationship or not.
Let me share with you some ways that healthy more-than-two relationships actually function.
1. Communication, Communication, Communication. Let me be clear, it’s not talking at the other person. It’s about being present, open, and willing to understand the wants, needs, and desires of the other.
2. The ability to negotiate. Negotiation is a skill and art. One must have a range of skills that they are bringing to the table. Some include: trust that the other person has their best interests at heart; genuine expression of needs; lastly, and for me this is the most important, a shared meaning of the end goal.
3. Commitment. Commitment is not a simple commitment to the other person; it’s a commitment to all that are involved within the relationship network. The commitment to be safe, responsible, and honor agreements.
4. Each person must recognize when they need to nurture their relationship with their own selves. For example, when someone starts to identify irritability and short-temperedness in themselves, they must check themselves before they wreck themselves.
5. It’s important to understand that this is about not about accommodating a perceived need for “equal sharing”, it’s about fulfilling the needs of everyone involved, which are never all going to be the same.
As I read this list, these suggestions for best practices with healthy relationships are applicable to lovers, friends, family, coworkers, etc. It’s not a mystery how to make relationships work best. These principles apply to and yield healthy polyamorous relationships just as much as they apply to and yield healthy monogamous relationships. As long as we treat each other with dignity and worth, let’s get it on, baby.
This post originally appeared on Huffington Post.