Dating My Preferences

I don’t like white women. Or black women. Or Asian women or Latinas, for that matter. Okay, that was intentionally provocative and not wholly true. Now that you’re here, read on, please (it’s short).

I date women - not ages, not colors, not ethnicities, but that certain and ineffable combination of personal and physical characteristics that strike me as appealing at a given time. And for me, the cast is not set, meaning I don't prefer one somatotype or height or weight over another. It all tends to swing on the impact and dynamics attendant to the individual - and the chemistry between the individual and me. There's more to me, of course, but I'll reserve that for a future dialogue. Oh, and I'm black, American and relatively dark-skinned, but handsome is not a call I can make (given that beauty is in the eyes....well, you know what I mean).

I understand and appreciate preferences, however. Your mind's eye knows what it likes and seeks that thing out - sometimes situationally, sometimes impulsively, and sometimes by design. I suppose it can be difficult to wrap one's mindset around a pattern interruption (to borrow a term from heuristic psychology). To some, preferences may seem limiting; to me it's just another function of individuality and free will.

When women date me, they are not dating ‘the’ black man, only ‘a’ black man. Even among my biological siblings, we all, to a man, are distinct. Dating my brothers Larry, Reggie, or Joseph Cooks (Joseph is a member of Black & Poly), for example, is to date them exclusively (but if you love barbecue, see Joseph; he is a master). None of us are the others.

I've dated women who only date - or prefer to date - Black men and I didn't find it particularly flattering (unless, of course, they dated me because they knew something of the inner me - and not just the external presentation).

Too often, though, it appeared I was sought after owing to some preconceptions, misconceptions, rumors, curiosity and stereotypes. That's a lot to live up to and it has never been sufficiently important to my ego for me to engage that endeavor. But that's just me; I don't begrudge or judge others for their take on things.

In the planet's social fabric, there's room for both...and more. It keeps it interesting.

(This originally appeared, slightly edited, on, a site run by adult entertainers and their producers. I produced content mostly, but performed when moved to do so. Copyright 2006 Käto Cooks, Alley Cat Media LLC.)

Author: Kato Cooks

I am a sometimes-retired government contract manager and compliance officer specializing in forensic fraud, but work in film production and journalism as avocations. I'm a member of the National Association of Black Journalists, National Press Photographers Association, and American Mensa.

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